Insights from the Gottman Couples and Addiction Recovery training on working with addiction in couples

When people think about recovery, they often think about the individual.

Stopping the substance.
Managing cravings.
White-knuckling through hard days.

And while all of that matters – here’s something that doesn’t get talked about enough:

Recovery is more sustainable, more supported, and more successful when your relationship is part of the process.

Because the truth is, your relationship doesn’t exist outside of addiction. It’s been impacted by it. And it can also become part of the healing.

In my work, I often see how isolating recovery can feel when it’s carried alone – and how much begins to shift when partners are invited into the process in a new way.

Addiction as a Third Party in the Relationship

One of the most powerful shifts in this work is learning to externalize the addiction.

Instead of:
“You’re the problem”
“You’re the one hurting us”

We begin to look at:
What has addiction done to this relationship?
How has it impacted both of you?

Addiction becomes something that has entered the partnership – an external presence that disrupts trust, communication, intimacy, and safety.

This shift matters.

Because when couples stop fighting each other and start looking at the addiction as something outside of them, something softens.

I often watch partners move from defensiveness into curiosity. From feeling like opponents into remembering that they’re actually on the same side.

From there, they can begin to:

• reduce blame and reactivity
• build empathy for each other’s experience
• work as a team again

The Part That Can Feel Scary

I also want to name something that comes up for a lot of people:

Including your partner in this work can feel really scary.

There can be fear of:

• being blamed
• being exposed
• saying the wrong thing
• or opening something that feels hard to contain

And honestly, that fear makes a lot of sense.

Many couples come in expecting conflict. Expecting defensiveness. Expecting it to go poorly.

But what often surprises people is this:

When there is structure, pacing, and support…
partners are usually far more capable of showing up for each other than they expect.

I’ve seen moments where someone shares something vulnerable – bracing for impact – and instead is met with understanding. Or softness. Or even relief.

A Shift Toward a Recovery-Focused Relationship

Another shift I love in this model is moving from:
“How do we stop this?”

to:
“What do we want recovery to create?”

Not just for one partner, but for the relationship.

Because when everything becomes about stopping something, it can feel heavy, restrictive, and exhausting.

But when we begin to ask what we’re moving toward, something opens up.

What would it look like to:

• feel emotionally safe again?
• rebuild trust, slowly and intentionally?
• experience more connection, honesty, even playfulness?

Recovery isn’t just about removing something.

It’s about building something new together.

Why Start This Work Early?

There’s often a belief that couples therapy should wait.

That you need a certain amount of sobriety first.
That things need to “settle.”

But what we see over and over again is:

When relationships improve, recovery outcomes improve.

When partners feel:

• more connected
• more understood
• less alone

…it becomes easier to stay engaged in recovery.

Not because it’s suddenly effortless, but because you’re no longer doing it in isolation.

And in many ways, the relationship itself becomes part of the support system.

You Don’t Have to Navigate This Alone

If addiction has become part of your relationship, you’re not the only ones.

And more importantly, you’re not stuck.

This work isn’t about blame.
It’s not about deciding who’s right.

It’s about understanding what’s happened, reconnecting where it’s possible, and building something more supportive moving forward.

And if you’re feeling unsure, hesitant, or even scared to begin, that makes sense too.

You don’t have to have it all figured out to start.

Written by Katie Pulverman AMFT #151723

_{Under clinical supervision of
Certified Gottman Therapist, Anna McDonald LCSW#100937}